“Our relationship lives in the space between us – it doesn’t live in me or in you or even in the dialogue between the two us – it lives in the space we live together and that space is sacred space.” –Martin Buber
Over the last year, I have been forced (or have I chosen?) to neglect just about every relationship in my life except those in my immediate family. I have only kept up with a handful of my friends. This loneliness has caused me to go deeper in myself and in my relationship with Jesus. How can you be lonely when you can speak with the Creator? I can :) The conversation goes "Jesus, why am I alone? I want someone other than You to talk to and be Real with". It sounds pretty pitiful, but it is freeing because after a while you forget how to put on masks and make small talk. After a year of intense solitary confinement, I can tell you I am virtually incapable of small talk and social graces.
Those of you who know me know I have always been pretty transparent. I am not sure others appreciate my transparency now that my life resembles a train wreck but I cannot go back in my box. I cannot pick up that heavy burden again. I am free. The Lord has delivered me. About the train wreck, my life is not so bad - it just does not look like I, or anyone else expected. So back to the quote above and the revelation the Lord gave me this morning when I read it:
“Our relationship lives in the space between us – it doesn’t live in me or in you or even in the dialogue between the two us – it lives in the space we live together and that space is sacred space.” –Martin Buber
Two overlapping circles.
The common ground is the Holy Spirit that lives in us both.
This totally frees me to be myself.
And to accept you as who you are.
I do not need to change you to feel comfortable with who I am.
Then we both flourish.
Isn't this God's desire for every relationship?
Isn't this how God comes into relationship with us? HE is fully GOD, yet He applauds me and encourages me to be fully me, the me He created me to be. (I know it sounds silly like Dr Seuss, but stay with me, it is DEEP and revolutionary and freeing.)
Today, I am a better wife and a better mother because of this acceptance of myself. I can allow my husband to be who GOD created him to be, and to freely express himself without my being offended. My children can express every part of themselves, and I can love them more because I see them as UNIQUE, one of a kind, masterpieces formed by a Wondrous GOD. No two of us are alike. (I hope as I try to reconnect with all of you, that I can be a better friend also.)
I get it now, in marriage when 2 become 1, it is that overlapping part of the circle, it is the Lord! Yay!!! I am fully myself and there is a space right near my heart, just outside the Lord's space, where only my husband is allowed to reside. The Lord has taken down my walls of defense because He is my Vindicator and Protector.
Right outside my husband's circle, is a space for my children, an inner court so to speak, where we can commune with The Lord. Next is the place for intimate friends, and so on.
Unfortunately, I have not been this open and loving all year long. I allowed my pain to cause me to withdraw even from my family. I lived cramped and tight because I was not putting my heart before the Lord. I was stuffing my pain and disappointment, instead of simply telling Him, "Jesus, this is terrible, this hurts, please help me". I chose to hide the emotions, even from myself and especially from the Lord. When I did this, I looked like I was doing better because I was not crying anymore but underneath the surface was a volcano, festering and turbulent. I see so many women walking around bitter and disappointed and all we need to do is stand before the throne and tell Abba Father each and every emotion, and ask him to clean our hearts. It is amazing how quickly the Lord can take away years of offense and sadness.
Lord, thank You that You have promised to give us a heart of flesh instead of a heart of stone. Please help us to fully bring openness to every relationship in our lives. First and foremost, please show us how to be open to You, to receive Your Grace and Mercy. Please show us how to be fully present with every person we encounter, even the trash man and the cashier at Walmart. Help us to receive your acceptance so that we can pass that on to everyone You have placed in our circles of influence. Help us to receive Your love, so we can freely give Your love first to our families. Please increase Your Holy Spirit in all our lives, and minister Your Grace to our hearts and minds today.
As we are celebrated today as Mothers, we give You all Glory and Honor and Grace. Please strengthen us for another year of serving our families on our knees, humbly washing their feet and bringing them before Your Throne of Grace. Amen.
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